Living With a Shadow

Hey Guys!

So sorry I have been MIA for a little while there. Life caught up with me. We talked and spent some time together, so she should be good to go for a while now lol.

To catch everyone up to date with what’s been going on in the Gilbert house hold:

Norah is growing like a weed! She is getting so big its blowing my mind. Oh, and guess what, she laughed for the first time about a week ago! Ahh it was so cute I literally cried. She is super active and smiley. Gosh I love that little butter bean. He sister has been doing a lot of growing up lately too! She’s been asking a lot questions these past few days, so I figured now would be a good time to get her a self-care book. We ended up getting the same book my mother bought me when I was a young girl. She loves it, she reads it every night. Which makes me feel good, because when certain questions come up, I feel like it won’t be as awkward to talk about them. I’ll post a link to where you can find the book below! As far Andrew goes, he’s been doing pretty well. Still being an awesome Daddy. Still being Andrew lol.

So, that leads things back to me. There’s something that I want to talk about. One, because it doesn’t get talked about often enough, and two it’s a big part of my life. And its depression and anxiety disorder.

The main reason I have been away from this blog for so long, is because I have been feeling so down. I hated not writing anything on here because this is my (other) new baby! I’m excited to share my life with you guys. I was so disappointed in myself. Yet another thing I wasn’t going to compete.

I don’t know how many of you readers suffer from the same. But if you do, you know how debilitating depression/anxiety can be. It’s always a catch 22. My anxiety wants me to get everything done. Done now and done right. My depression tells me to do nothing. To sleep. To mope. To be nonexistent. I’m constantly experiencing highs and lows. Sometimes, I prefer my anxiety over my depression. Cause at least then something’s getting done. Something is getting cleaned up or something is getting completed. Sadly, I can’t do anything without feeling a sense of constant panic, and that’s no fun. Certain tasks have to be done carefully too. When I have to make phone calls or talk to anyone, it requires preparation. I have to make sure I have everything I could possibly need in front of me JUST in case they ask for it. You would think, preparing myself for something as a simple phone call (or any human interaction) would make things unnaturally easy, but nope. I still get on the phone and stutter. I forget everything. Birthdays, names, and a number of other things. And then I beat myself up for the remainder of the day. Feeling embarrassed. Andrew always tries to reassure me by telling me it wasn’t big deal. And it wasn’t. But my brain doesn’t understand that.

So, after dealing with that ”high” for a few days to a week, I hit my low. The lows suck. When I’m at this point nothing gets done. I don’t leave my room or my bed. It’s a chore to shower or to eat. Lack of doing simple things like showering or doing my hair, just makes you feel worse. The rooms become messy. And I become overwhelmed. Worried about everything, but having no desire to get up and try to fix it. When the depression is at its worst, I am constantly worrying about how I’m being perceived. I don’t want people to think I’m lazy. I enjoy doing things. I feel though, when I’m at my low people look at me and judge. And once again, it makes me feel even worse.

I’ll never understand why depression and anxiety are such taboo things. No one wants to talk about it, yet so many people suffer from it. No one chooses to be depressed. No one wants to feel anxious all the time. Especially when you’re a mother. I feel like I’m failing my kids sometimes. There’s so much I want to do, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I have learned to be gentle with myself. I am trying my very best and doing what I can, when I can. And that’s ok with me. I believe they still love me the same. Hopefully one day they will understand as well.

If you guys have any advice or even if you want to talk, I’m here! You can always comment here or shoot me a message on the Facebook page! You guys are awesome 😊

 

With All The Love,

Britt ❤

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s